I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING

It's been a long time since I have visited my blog. I just spent some time reading some of my old posts and I have some pretty good content. So much has happened since I have written. So the very short version is we have been stationed in Nashville for the last 3 years and I am now a therapist. Say what!!! I know I can hardly believe it myself. It's true though as of June 11, 2018 I have been paid therapist at an eating disorder/recovery center named Journey Pure. As I did an intake today on our new system I was very nervous because I realized I don't know what I am doing. I have this fear of letting people see me less than stellar especially when it comes to profession. I have this innate need to be be pristine. I realized as I fumbled through the entire assessment that I don't know what I am doing and it's ok. I even told my client that I was just learning a new system and to bear with me, she was very understanding. However, I still felt really inadequate and quite frankly stupid the entire time through the assessment. Now that I've had some time to think about it I feel ok about it. I began to think about so many things that I didn't really know how to do that I can do efficiently now. Such as typing without looking, I remember being in high school so jealous of my friend who could type so fast without looking. I had this program named Mavis Beacon teaches typing that I used to practice with all the time. I can't even begin to tell you when I realized that I could actually type without looking (and pretty quick no less). The thing I did realize is that I wasn't good at something and I was going to need help or a tool to make me better. I couldn't do it by myself. Asking for help is not a sign a weakness. I know it's something we hear often but I really want people to grasp this concept. We all need tools to help us get to where we need to go. Ask for help when you can't figure it out because the reality is that person didn't know what they were doing at some point either. We need to break down the walls of "meism" and perfectionism. It doesn't serve anyone. When was the last time you didn't know what you were doing? What were the tools you used to help change that? We are all born not knowing how to do stuff and learning is what connects us to one another.

YOU DESERVE THE GOOD CHIPS TOO!

It's the first day back to school after a week off for fall break. I did a major grocery shopping trip so I could get all the school lunch essentials and after school snacks. Everyone is home so I had to get quite a bit of stuff. After sending the kids out the door this morning, I realized I need a lunch. I sent the left overs with my husband. I decided to go old school and make me a turkey sandwich, chips and a drink. You know just your standard school lunch. I have a Costco size bag of organic tortilla chips in my pantry that we have been working on for at least a month. I randomly grab a chip to see if they are still fresh, they are ( kudos to their packaging dept.). I figured I would take a handful of those so that I can use them up and not let them go to waste. But then something happened, I was like I deserve the good chips too. In my grocery haul yesterday I bought some sour cream and cheddar ruffles. These are my family's favorite chips and I was feeling somewhat generous. I went back and forth about opening up this new bag a chips that I really wanted versus finishing the already opened less popular tortilla chips. Then I decided that I deserve the good chips too! I have spent the last 9 years being a stay at home mom/student. I have now entered the part of my schooling that I have to complete a 600 hour practicum. I also got a job working two days a week. I went from being at home five days a week to now working five days a week. I am exhausted!! It's made me realize how much I have sacrificed for my family. I have given so much of my time and energy to ensure they were comfortable and faced very little inconvenience. I have come to realize that I will need to adjust some of my duties and help my family realize that somethings are going to be changing. However, for now I will enjoy being the first person to open the chips! To all the mammas out there holding it down, don't forget about yourself! You deserve the good chips too.

BROKEN FOOT & LESSONED LEARNED

Being a better me also means admitting when I need to change a part of what I am doing or how I'm acting (this really isn't easy for me). Being part of a team sometimes means playing a position you don't normally play or covering a position for another player in order for your team to win. It also means not frequently pointing out the missteps or screwups of other team mates but focusing on how we can play better as a team. Many teams have play books which help them create possible situations in which they may encounter against the opponent. These play books are a sort of a plan for overcoming the situations with ease and defeating the opponent. Every player has a position they he/she executes in the play to ensure the team plays seamlessly. However, there are often times when teams encounter an unexpected component and the team deteriorates because it doesn't know how to handle this new problem. Well this what happened to my team (family). Long story short my husband broke his foot and 2 of my kids got a stomach bug which consisted of flowage from both ends!!! I spent most of Friday & Saturdy resentful and exhausted. Sunday night when I had time to really process and be upset I realized that I really have a great husband. I often complain to him and my girlfriends that I need more help from him and how he doesn't do much to help ease the burden of running the household. However, now that he isn't able to help at all I'm really feeling the pressure. Although I am not going to totally let him off the hook for more help I will give credit where credit is due. I am greatful for the husband I have and for the help he does give me. Oh and another thing I realized through all this women are amazing machines! When push comes to shove we get stuff DONE (efficiently)!

USE THE PLATE

So after my morning run I am standing in the kitchen starving and decided on making some scones with blackberry jam ( sound yummy right). I pull my scones from the oven and this is where my struggle begins. I start to rip off a paper towel to eat my scones from but I'm instantly annoyed thinking about how my jam may leak through and get on the counter. I had just cleaned up all the breakfast dishes and the stuff i used to make the scones. My kitchen was clean and the thought of getting out a plate and possibly a fork was annoying me. I didn't want to have to wash another dish. I probably went back and forth on this seemingly minor decision for a full 2 minutes. Then I said to myself, "self you deserve a plate. The minute I went to grab the paper towel I realized I deserved a plate. This little struggle for me wasn't about the fact that I hate washing dishes but it's about what I don't do for myself. As a wife of a Coast guardsmen and basketball coach and a stay at home to three beautiful children I sacrifice a lot. I have gotten in the habit of giving in to my husband or children at the sake of my own happiness and sometimes sanity. Sometimes at the end of the day I'm left drained and resentful while my family is buzzing around happy and satisfied. I have been on this kick about finding my own happiness and I have read a lot of book lately on the elusive subject. I would have to say the overall connection to most of them was to do what makes you happy. That sometimes means  my husband and my kids will be upset or will have to sacrifice. When my husband asked if he could play in a pick up game after his training session the other day I said No, and sure he was not the happiest but he was fine. Then my kids begged me to take them bowling after we just got back from the movies and I said No, they were upset my son even on the verge of tears but less than an hour later they were both outside riding their bikes and playing with the other kids. What I realized when I said NO to them was that everyone was eventually fine and I had a little more time to do what I wanted. Sometimes what I want is to not be wanted for anything but to be free to do what I want when I want to do it. It usually means I get to read my book.  I think as women but especially a mom we put the burden of our families happiness on our shoulders because let's face it, we know other moms/wives are secretly judging us. How well behaved the kids are, How clean the house is, Who brought the best party snacks, and the list goes on for the constant measured areas. In the end none of that stuff matters but leaves you feeling drained, tired, anxious and inadequate. We have to make sure we are finding time for ourselves and doing the things that truly make us happy. So you see using a plate or a paper towel wasn't really the issue for me but I new the plate would make me happier. I USED THE PLATE (I didn't really mind washing it either)!

IT'S HARD ENOUGH BEING ME

I went over to my friends house today after our run to try some of her organic peanut butter. When I walked in I was immediately hit in the face with fresh clean sent of a tidy house. As I looked around my eyes were taking in every clean nook and cranny, nothing out of place. My thoughts immediately drifted to my own home, where currently there is so much stuff piled on my kitchen island that I feel like I am going to have a mini heart attack. Not to mention that my friend totally kicked my butt on our run this morning. Granted I am also doing the run with her but I am always looking at her back and I even had to stop for water. Que self loathing music and low self esteem. I can't seem to kick this habit of constantly comparing myself to all of my friends and being upset because I just can't seem to measure up. I want someone to want to be like me. I know that I am a good person and I truly love my life. I just have little moments of "the crazies." Then I remind myself that just like you have to eat right and work out to maintain a healthy body, you have to do the same for your mind. You have to make sure that you are bragging to yourself about yourself. Make sure you are continuing to educate your self. Make sure your always in forward motion of reaching your goals. It never hurts to put a little lipstick on to make sure you look good too. Stop living in your head and feeding your negative thoughts you are so WORTH it and make sure you know that for yourself.

DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON YOUR WAY OUT

I had a particular rough night of sleep, not very restful and I think I am fighting a bit of a cold. The minute I drug my butt out of bed this morning, I decided Starbucks would be a essential part of my morning. After I gathered the kids together and dropped them off at school. I pulled into Starbucks for my cup of sanity. I was toting my infant daughter in one hand. As I headed up to the door their was a older gentleman about 4 steps ahead of me. He got to the door and I had closed the gap to about 3 steps behind him. Then it happened, he opened the door walked through and let it close practically in my face! I was so close to him that the lady coming out of the door looked at him then me. I couldn't believe that he didn't hold the door open for me, HOW RUDE! I guess they aren't lying when they say chivalry is dead. It certainly was this morning. It just reminds me that it's another thing i need to instill in my kids (not just my son).

LIFE IS IN MOTION

Nothing reminds me that life is in forward motion like my kids do. We just celebrated our youngest 1st birthday on Monday. I feel like it just crept up on me. I don't know where the time has gone. I admit that most of the time I still feel like I am in my early 20's! It must be all the working out, lol. As I continue to watch my children get older and learn new things I am reminded that I too am getting older. So much of my time right now goes into raising my kids that I forget about myself. I have some personal goals that I am striving to reach and I can't forget to work on them. I am constantly reminding myself to take time for me. I feel guilty when I tell them no or wait because I am working on things for myself but I realize that it's OK. I want my kids to know that life isn't always about them all the time and it's OK to consider others. It's very hard to instill this in them while living in this "instant gratification" fast paced generation. I often find myself getting so frustrated with having to wait just 1 to 2 minutes. When my Google doesn't ping to life the instant I push the button I will push it again or reopen it in a new window. It's no wonder I see my kids huff and puff when I tell them to wait, they see me do the same thing. I am striving to be a better person by finding a balance of considering others while not neglecting myself. Finding peace in an otherwise chaotic world.